It’s an ugly day. Cloudy like February is cloudy. The chill is bitter, the wind biting, and my wind breaker is doing a shitty job. There’s a little too much moisture in the air. It’s signaling the sudden onset of rain in the next hour or two. I’ll look forward to having wet feet pretty soon. I need to go buy some damn boots for days like this. As it is, my sneakers make for great running shoes and allow for a great deal of flexible movement, but they really don’t hold up in a storm.
These are the thoughts I’m musing upon when I round a corner and suddenly find myself in a scene right out of a movie. The sounds of a slight struggle and some muffled threats tip me off to the exact nature of the situation as I survey five men in similar punkish dress surrounding a tepid looking ingenue. I wonder if I’m dreaming for a moment. This is a make or break situation. My altruism/herd instinct/whatever you call it, immediately snaps my body into a state of apprehension. They are enclosed on three sides by the gray, rusty, old buildings so common in industrial areas like this one.
They don’t see me. I could leave right now. I could call for help. I could do a million things that would all be smarter than what I am about to do. I speak.
“A pissy mood can really ruin a sunny day. I’m in a very pissy mood. However, I must be lucky because not only is the Sun not shining, but there also happens to be a group of individuals who look fairly ripe for me to take out my frustrations upon.” I say this aloud to inspire fear, and to sound cool like I’m in a comic book. The truth is I’m scared. The five guys in front of me all have blunt objects and I’m unarmed. But they have a girl with a ripped blouse held captive. It would be pretty lame of me not to do anything.
“Oh? A hero enters the mix huh?”
Damn. He’s got me pegged already, and he doesn’t sound the least bit scared.
“Something like that.” I say this smiling, summoning up a confidence I don’t feel. But I see hope in her eyes. I won’t let her down. I’ll die first.
“Let the girl go, and there won’t be any trouble. Otherwise I’ll be calling for five ambulances shortly.” My gall is surprising, even to me. Who am I pretending to be anyway? That was the most cliché line ever. My fists are clenched, my hair is raised, and my heart is beating so fast that I’m sure they can hear it.
The speaker of the group smiles, and motions to two of his friends. “Kill this asshole.”
Laughter. Mind numbing hateful laughter fills my ears. They really shouldn’t laugh at me. I may not be able to beat them all, but I can definitely let them know they’ve been in a fight. The two advance. One is short and stocky, built like a wrestler with a huge back and a low center of gravity. He’s got a scar over his right eye, a sure sign of an experienced fighter. The other is taller, almost lanky, but he’s got shoulders that belong on a shock putter. My thoughts go clear; my body begins moving on its own.
“Have it your way.” A mad smile covers my face. As terrified as I am, I’m enjoying this. Hell, I’m loving it. I almost laugh as I sprint forward. “It’s important to land the first shot fellas.” I whisper this quietly as I launch myself into the air with my lead foot, twisting a graceful 180 to plant my back heel into the shorty’s forehead. He falls backwards in blinding pain. Still grinning psychotically, I rush the lanky bastard. He swings his club as I slip forward and left, dodging it by millimeters. I return with a clenched left hand directly into his kidney. I listen to the satisfying gush of air leaving his lungs and watch him crumble. I look up, and fire from my eyes burns a permanent memory into the brains of the remaining thugs. My head tilts upward. I stare at the sky for a moment, and still a trademark lunatic smirk spreads ever wider over my face. I stand with my arms limp and I lazily turn my gaze down at them.
“Well, that was stupid. Now there are only three of you. It would have been better if you’d all rushed me in a group. Then you might have had a chance.” The three have dropped their jaws in shock. They regain their composure and forget the girl. This is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for.
“Chance, mother fuckers!” I slide in between them firing rapid jabs at their faces. I connect twice and then get caught. Flash. My whole world goes dark. I open my eyes again to find myself reeling backwards. No time for pain. There’s blood gushing from my nose. This is what I get for being cocky I suppose.
No time for pain! They’re still advancing. I fall backwards and roll for space. I’m on my feet again and in a fighting stance in less than a second. My eyes are wild, the smile is gone, replaced with a sneer of primal hatred and aggression. The three are all around me swinging bats. I’m moving with grace I never knew I had, dancing on light feet a knife’s edge away from the blurred words: Louisville slugger.
“Too slow.” I grab the nearest bat and twist my body into the outstretched joint of an elbow. The bat comes free. I continue with my spin and connect the bat with a kneecap. I’m not sure who’s. There’s a face in front of me, and a bat headed downward in a sledge-hammer motion. I hold the slugger aloft with both hands to block the oncoming onslaught and proceed to kick forward with all of my might. My bat snaps against his hammer strike, while my kick connects agreeably with his solar plexus. The second assailant is flung to the ground. That’s two down with body shots today, I’m on a roll.
My bat has become an edged weapon, I toss the blunt piece aside and wield the remaining wood like a blade. My final opponent is already swinging. I drop to one knee to narrowly dodge again. I stab fiercely into the bastard’s thigh. He squeals and my smile returns. I grab him by the throat and begin striking him rapidly in the eyes with my right hand. I release my grip after a long moment and he folds noisily to the ground. I turn to face the man who broke my bat. He is slowly getting back up. He stares at me again, and his eyes widen. He begins to look around for support, but finds himself alone.
“Run along, little puppy.” I quietly hiss. He politely obeys. The girl is nowhere to be seen.
“Well isn’t that peachy? My goal accomplished, but my reward all vanished. Why couldn’t they have tied her up? Then I’d be getting my tense-gratitude blow job right about now.” I laugh aloud at my own wit, and then I fall to my knees, clenching my bleeding face. The swelling’s already started and my pulse is pounding against my temples, compounding the already excruciating headache. I don’t know why, but I just can’t stop laughing. This was the most fun I’ll have all week.
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